An Educator Once Said: “The Most Challenging Task in Education is to Make a Child a Willing and Enthusiastic Seeker of Knowledge“
In a simple statement, the essence of education is revealed.
And it took me a whole 14 years to truly understand the meaning behind this sentence.
Once, all I knew was to force my child to study hard and get into a good school.
It wasn’t until my son reached adolescence and was diagnosed with depression that I realized the profound truth: the so-called teenage depression, the hollow disease, often stems from parents’ own ailments.
Why do I say this?
You can find the answers in my story.
01
Because I am a junior college graduate, I have always felt inferior for my academic qualifications.
Because, working for more than ten years, I know the importance of diplomas.
My high school deskmate was successfully admitted to a key university, and now has an annual salary of 300 thousand; And I may not be as hard as she is, but I only get about 100,000 a year.
Not to mention those invisible welfare, social status, etc., the real society, from the college entrance examination began to shunt.
Too many cases around me also made me realize,It is very important for ordinary children to study well.
So, from the beginning of my son’s school, I was a strict “tiger mother,” forcing my son to attend various tutoring classes, learn piano, learn to host…
Even if my son hated it, even if he spent most of the family income, I would not allow my son to give up.
Primary school is okay, although my son is also crying and does not love to learn, but the arm twisted thigh, and finally I have the final say.But from junior high school, my son became rebellious, and his confrontation with me became more and more intense.
I think my son is too ignorant to accuse him:
“I am reluctant to eat and wear, save all the money to cultivate you, why don’t you study hard?”
My son thinks I’m too controlling:
“You just force me to learn, I’m not a learning machine!I just don’t want to learn! You are only admitted to the junior college, but also want me to take the college test?Do you have the ability to test yourself?”
What my son said was like a knife, completely negating my efforts over the years. I was so angry that I hit and scolded my son and interrupted the hangers.
At that time, my son stuck his neck and quarreled with me, forced to jump like thunder, crazy smashing things, the home is like the battlefield filled with gunpowder, no longer the warmth of the past.
Looking at my son’s eyes full of hatred, I refused to back down at all:I’d rather you hate me now than I’ll force you to.
Unexpectedly, my strength did not wait for my son’s compromise, but in exchange for a diagnosis:My son is depressed!
Over the years, I have seen too many children who have chosen to die because of depression, and I did not expect that my son would also go to this step.
The week I got my diagnosis, I was confused.Dare not force his son to learn, also dare not scold him, just care about his diet, but my son’s concern for me is full of hostility.
If you can’t accept it again, you have to face the results.
I began to reflect, but also vaguely aware that it is my way of education caused the way my son is now, but what should I do?
02
During that dark, painful time, I was miserable every day and really helpless.
Instead, I read books, videos and lectures about depression in teenagers, but I still have a smattering of knowledge.
Fortunately, I have a friend’s sister who teaches psychology in Beijing Normal University and knows a lot about family education, so I brazenly asked for her WeChat.
I asked the question I had been confused about for a long time:
“I don’t understand, I just want to give the child the best, let him accumulate capital, later can live a good life, why can’t the child understand me, but also depressed?”
The other told me that not only depression, in fact, many common problems of adolescent children, such as weariness, rebellion, dropping out of school, etc., are caused by parents and wrong family education.
Think carefully about those “problem children” of the family, most can find the root of the disease.
What parents see is the child’s problem behavior; What is not seen is that the child has endured a lot, and finally the collapse of unbearable.
“Many parents are incredulous when they hear their child is diagnosed with depression. In fact, adolescence is the stage of depression!”
The main reasons are as follows:
1. At this stage, children have high academic pressure and a boring life.
In school is a highly tense learning atmosphere, home is parents’ preaching, there are endless homework, endless classes, every day is very tired, there is little time for entertainment and relaxation.
2. The child’s sense of self rises and becomes sensitive and suspicious.
Adolescence is the stage of self-awareness development.
This period of children highly concerned about their image in the hearts of others, in the face of interpersonal communication is easy to produce impulse, inferiority and other psychological, emotional fluctuations.
3. Children lack emotional channels.
Adolescent children’s inner restlessness, the ability to withstand setbacks is low, and the relationship with parents is not as harmonious as when they were young.
But have to face the high-pressure life and parents do not understand, negative emotions accumulated more and more.
These young people are unable to see the meaning of life.
Do not know what they are doing in the end, so no direction, no meaning of life, let the child’s heart become empty, this is very typical “Adolescent Hollow Disease.”
“For the good of their children, parents constantly urge their children to study hard, add code to their children, and add unscientific ways of family education.
Scolding, strong persecution, scolding… The mounting pressure can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and eventually the child becomes overwhelmed.”
After listening to the analysis, the scenes with my son in the past flashed in my mind like a movie:
I remember him begging me not to go to piano lessons, but I snapped back;
I think of him weeping and accusing me of tyranny, which I took for granted;
This is only part of the clip, as well as day and night so much persecution, are let the son depressed cold.
It turned out that I was wrong, but my son was sick for me.
Think of those children because of depression, I am shrouded in deep fear, what should I do in order to reverse all this and help children out of depression?
My friend’s sister told me that if you stand up to your child bravely, face it together, listen, understand, accept, and be his strong backing, the relationship and life will be completely different.
“Adolescent children have the vitality of thriving animals on their own. As long as you give them a little sunshine, they will be able to find their own direction and continue to grow.”
03
Based on my son’s situation, I have three suggestions:
1. Observe and feel the inner feelings of the children, and be the “alarm” around the children.
Carefully observe and capture the child’s psychological changes, and truly “see” the child.
Many parents disapprove of the fact that their children begin to develop depression, or even when their children take the initiative to tell them that I may have depression, thinking that it is just an ordinary adolescent rebellious, and that their children are “doing” to show it to adults.
The cries of the child again and again do not mind, because parents do not really care to “see” the child, the child as the object of their command.
For adolescent children, threatening, scaring, nagging and throwing tantrums are not only useless, but also counterproductive.
Recall that the conflict between me and my son intensified, in addition to I forced him to study, more lies in my discipline and threat to him.
When he didn’t listen to me and wanted to do things his own way, I was still automating his education.
He did not “see” the voice of his repeated cries, and he used the power of his parents to persecute him.
By the time the alarm went off, it was too late.
2. See the child, affirm the child and help the child find self-worth.
It is normal for adolescent children to try to break through constraints and discipline because of their self-awareness. Even making mistakes is a price to pay for growth.
Therefore, parents should respect their children’s independent consciousness and avoid mandatory “education.”
After children encounter difficulties, problems and setbacks, they need analysis and guidance from their parents, and this analysis and guidance should also be friend-style.
Second, we must patiently and persistently support the child to do what he likes.
Close to the child, understand the child, find his advantages, sincerely praise the child.
If in the eyes of children, parents only stare at their academic performance, never satisfied, always superior command, communication between parents and children will be cut off.
In the long run, there will be serious consequences such as depression, rebellion, and depression.
3.the correct view of adolescent depression, do not hide illness.
Depression is a disease, do not mistakenly think that like a cold, carry can be good.
In addition to adjusting their mentality and education model, parents should also take their children to actively seek medical treatment and follow medical advice for treatment.
And that day will come when the two of us will see the light of day.
Conversely, if a parent sees depression as a shame, denies the symptoms, and refuses to be honest with friends and family about the child’s current situation.
That kind of disgust, the mouth does not say, the child can feel, this kind of pain that is not accepted by the parents.
How can a child who is “rejected” by his parents not despair?Where does he get the energy to come out of the haze and get better?
And compared with the future of the child, the face of the parents is really insignificant.
04
Rome was not built in a day.
It is not easy to re-establish a good parent child relationship and gain the trust of your son.
In the process of understanding, I became more and more aware of how much damage my wrong way had brought to my son, and there was a paragraph that was deeply imprinted on my mind:
The pain of adolescent children comes from all kinds of words and deeds of classmates and teachers, but ultimately it is directed at parents ––
They are depressed, self-harming, etc., and ultimately just to win back the attention and love of their parents.
I changed the original mode of communication, giving my son full trust and acceptance, and giving him enough time.What results, what learning, I do not care so much, only hope that the sun as soon as possible into his son’s heart.
I respect his opinion and stop all the interest classes I don’t want to learn.
To my surprise, my son took the initiative to retain one of them:
“Although I do not want to learn, but this course is very helpful to me, or retain it.”
It can be seen that children can communicate, and it was me who could not communicate before.
And when I really reflect on myself, no longer so eager for quick success, not to urge, not to preach, not to blame, my son gradually let me see his change:
From the beginning of saying a few words to irritate “do not want to say,” to be able to talk to me peacefully, communicate with the next learning plan, everything naturally in a good direction.
A few months later, when I took my son to a follow-up appointment, the doctor told me that my son’s depression performance had improved a lot and he could stop taking the medication.
The son also said to me: “Mom, I feel like I can’t control my emotions like before, you can rest assured!”
At that moment, the boulder in my heart finally fell to the ground, out of the hospital looking at the blue sky and white clouds, there is a long absence of ease.
Walking through that long dark tunnel, I want to say to parents:
Don’t regard your child’s adolescence as a monster. When you look squarely at the emotions of your child’s adolescence and adjust your own way of education through your child’s state, you will find a turnaround in the parent-child relationship.
Behind those depressed children in adolescence, there is often a parent who is standing still and refuses to grow up.
Regardless of the age of the child, it is important for parents to maintain self-awareness and growth.
