As the saying goes, “raising a baby costs mom,” but compared to working hard for the child’s education, it is more worrying that parents are still worried about the child first “lying flat.” Is it too many choices of study that lead to difficult choices, or is it too much pressure for children?
When it comes to “lying flat” babies, many parents will want to motivate their children to move. But this is actually a temporary solution, because the nature of the problem often lies in the parents’ education methods, suppressing the child’s self-motivation and self-drive.
At the weekend, the baby was sent to the interest class, and several familiar mothers made an appointment to have afternoon tea nearby.
As soon as she sat down, Doudou asked for help with a sad face: “What to do? My family has been in this piano class for a year, and every time I practice the piano, I still feel like flying dogs.”
The mother listened, and began to express opinions: “Are you asking too much?” “Are there too many classes and too much pressure?” “If the baby really doesn’t like it, or change the one he likes!”
DouDou’s mother listened and sighed heavily: “That’s the problem! ”He doesn’t say he doesn’t like it, but he just doesn’t want to take lessons or practice, just wants to play. Your material temptation, he does not care; You put him in the race, he has no motivation; You encourage him to test, he is not interested; Lazy all day, like a little retired old man!”
After listening to this, the little rain mother clapped the table excitedly: “Why is it so like my daughter, not at all ambitious.” There are no interests and hobbies, there is no motivation to do anything, ask everything does not matter! You push, she moves, it’s so sad! “
However, the “reclining faction” was not born.Every child who seems to be “not enterprising,” the experience behind it is not as simple as we think.
The least ambitious kid I've ever met.They all have these three qualities.
In the face of a child who can not push, say not to listen, scold, parents often a nameless fire rushed to the skull, at any time want to burst.Then ask yourself, “How can you not be afraid?”
But in fact, every child who is buckled on the “unmotivated” hat has an unspeakable grievance in his heart.
1. The child is not excited, first look at the family atmosphere
A parents lie flat in front of their children every day, always losing their children to entertain themselves, and most of the children are “not excited” about life.
A family whose parents are self-disciplined, have a plan and drive, have certain requirements for themselves, and often study together, interact, and travel together, it is difficult for children to have “no requirements” for themselves.
Parents are the mirror of the child, the child looks for the cognition of life from the parents.The overall atmosphere and rhythm of the family outline the different visions of life in the child’s heart.
If the family environment is too negative and lazy growth environment, children naturally feel that life is boring, and they are absent-minded and unmotivated.
2. Used to “being arranged,” unwilling to use his brain
How much care contemporary parents have for their children, how full will their children’s lives be arranged.
“When I get up in the morning, I read ancient poems in the morning, listen to English audio while eating, read books for half an hour after lunch, punch in English on the way home from school, have a live class after dinner, jump rope when relaxing after homework, and fall asleep listening to the audio of ancient poems…”
The daily to-do list is clear, but the child who lives on the to-do list loses himself. Accustomed to the parents chasing behind, always urge, gradually no longer willing to use their own brain.
Psychologist K. Horney coined the phrase “tyranny of shoulds.”
When life is like under a tyrant, there is no freedom, only “should” and “should not,” people will slowly lose their will, ignore their own feelings, ideas, needs, and finally become: no desire, drift, pain and confusion, passive slack.
If parents give their children everything, plan well, never listen to the voice of the bottom of the child’s heart, did not pay attention to the child’s emotions. Slowly, the child who is not seen “cannot see” himself.
Like a muppet, he lost his motivation and his idea. And then there is the “No Entry” label.
3. Experience prolonged repression and become “learned helplessness”
Martin Seligman, the “father of positive psychology,” spent 30 years tracking thousands of people, and finally found a secret hidden in the parenting style, which has a huge impact on children’s growth, but has been ignored by many.
Most of the children who have problems in learning and life are not really lack of ability, but the frustration that accompanies them all the way, which makes them full of pessimism about learning and life.
Seligman calls this “learned helplessness” – a false measure of evaluation based on long-term negative experiences. A state of mind in which one is negatively judgmental of oneself and events, feeling hopeless and helpless about reality.
The formation of this explanatory style of “learned helplessness” has a huge relationship with parenting styles from an early age.
If growing up, often suffer setbacks and blows, children are easy to be full of doubts about themselves, full of pessimism about the world, and more likely to form a personality with low self-esteem. Over time, this “helplessness” becomes a lifelong “psychological habit” that spreads to new situations.
“I can’t, I couldn’t, so I gave up.” Long-term negative interpretation of the self, let the child slowly give up trying, give in to the status quo, become depressed.
Is the child unmotivated? No, they give up on themselves.
Positive Parenting for "Not Moving In" Children
What is “upward mobility”? A strong desire to be better.
As the old saying goes, “you can’t help a bean seedling grow by pulling it. Give it sunshine and rain.” The same is true of cultivating children’s ambition. Not by incentive, preaching, reprimand, but by burning up the heart of the small motor, so that the small seeds spontaneously break out of the soil, to the sun.
How to do it? These three positive parenting skills are taught to you.
1. Want children to be positive, parents first set a good example
Many people think that the emergence of high achiever was forced all the way out by the tiger mother and wolf father with the whip. However, Dong Jixiang of Anhui Province said in an interview: “occasionally I will also be tired of learning, do not want to read, my parents notice, will not say anything, that is, at home to turn off the TV, sit down to read, virtually let my heart calm down.” When I saw them reading, I was embarrassed not to read. “
Yang Chenyu, the Guangxi champion who broke the record of college entrance examination scores, said: “I never let my children study, but I play with my mobile phone.”
Peach and plum do not say, under their own groin. In the words and deeds of parents, there is a way for their children to grow up.A positive attitude, a good learning atmosphere, and a learning example for children are the engine movements that help children to progress.
2. Give your child autonomy.
As provost of Stanford University for nearly a decade, Julie Lythcott-Haims (Julie), who has taken 20,000 freshmen, once pointed out in the TED speech “How to raise successful children without excessive discipline”:
A checklist-style childhood, with parents overhelping, overprotecting, and overguiding, deprives children of the opportunity to build self-efficacy.
Children who are used to being arranged cannot live their own lives.
Meticulous simple child-rearing, what is raised is cut branches and leaves, lifeless potted plants, rather than with unlimited vitality and possibilities of the sky tree.
Compared with running around in training classes every day, spoon-feeding punch card, brush questions, staring at how many tasks the child has completed, and stimulating the internal drive of children to learn independently, is the key to truly let children learn more and go further.
Letting children have more autonomy in their own life and learning will stimulate children to think, plan and act more, and let them reflect and grow through practice and mistakes.
Rather than urging the child to move forward, it is better to stop and listen to the child’s heart;
Instead of meticulously arranging your child’s life, try to let go and allow them to make their own schedule.
Rather than worrying about children hitting the wall, it is better to let them explore independently, and feel the realization of each dream in practice.Children who find self-efficacy also find the “upward mobility” that their parents expect. As the “Journey of the Mind” said: not every child can succeed, but the child with “spark” will shine.
3. Developing Children’s “Learned Optimism”
Warren Buffett once said: “The only thing parents should do for their children is to find the child’s passion, encourage him to go all out to pursue, and play incisively and vividly.”
This is also the three-step method of cultivating “learned optimism” proposed by Teaching Optimistic Children – “prevention, control and reinforcement.”
To achieve “performance satisfaction” by making children feel “capable”, “valuable” and “performing well”. In order to establish the recognition of their own behavior, the identity of self-cognition, and create an optimistic state of mind in the face of difficulties.
When a child has positive emotions, an optimistic interpretation of things, and a sense of self-mastery in life, then the inner universe will only erupt into infinite power.
This sense of control is an important source of “upward mobility.”
The love and trust of parents is the fertile soil for the seed of “progress” to the sun, and the greatest confidence for children to go forward.