In order to successfully apply for undergraduate programs in the US, some families choose to send their children to American high schools early on. However, besides academic considerations, can children who are alone overseas adapt to studying and living in a foreign country and grow up successfully as their parents wish? The following is a confession of a parent of an American high school student. Although the child has gone through various difficulties abroad, the parent has no regrets.
This year’s undergraduate application to the US is undoubtedly the most difficult in history. The reduction in the number of spots at prestigious schools and the increase in the number of applicants from China have turned the study abroad competition in the US into a fiercely competitive track.
In order for their children to successfully enter better universities, many parents choose to send their children to high schools in the US, bringing the competition for undergraduate applications to the choice of American high schools and studies.
However, is it worth it to let a teenager go to a foreign country alone to face the dual tests of life and academics just for the opportunity to take the US “college entrance exam”? Can this overseas studying road go smoothly as parents expect?
The Shanghaiist interviewed a father named Yang, who sent his son to an American high school. Although the family experienced the agony of not being able to see each other during the pandemic, the anxiety that the child almost failed due to cultural differences, and worries about the child’s life in the boarding family… he told the interviewer that he had no regrets about becoming a “left-behind” father.
(In order to facilitate the narrative, the following uses first-person narration)
Long-term Education Planning
My eldest son has loved reading since he was young. He reads widely and his Chinese language scores have always been among the top five in his class. However, because his English and math scores were only average, he could only score in the top 18% of the city in the middle school entrance exam, making it difficult for him to enter our local key high school.
So we have been thinking about how to plan his education for a child who grew up in a public school, and is very average in all aspects.
At first, I didn’t have a clear education direction myself.
As we mentioned earlier, our eldest son was a “bookworm” when he was young. He could score above 90% in the non-core subjects such as history and geography. He also loves reading economic books. In the later years of elementary school, he began to read Marx and Mao’s selected works.
His thinking is also quite deep. He has read “Capital” and plans to become a teacher at a university in the future. But judging from his grades at the time, it was difficult to realize such a dream through the domestic college entrance examination.
Coincidentally, there is a friend’s child around me whose grades were even worse than my eldest son’s at the same time, but he went on to study in American high school and not only was admitted to a top fifty American university but also obtained a double degree. This diversified educational choice has made a big impact on me.
I think, since parents can provide some economic support for their children, it is better to spend this money on their education, which is more meaningful than spending it elsewhere.
After considering sending our child abroad, we collected information and constantly revised our study abroad plan. In addition, we have many relatives and friends overseas, so sending our child to study in an American high school is not so unattainable psychologically, and it eventually became a natural thing.
Public vs. Private High Schools: Choosing Between Them
We specifically chose one of the top five public schools in Los Angeles, both for its academic reputation and to give our child the opportunity to socialize with children from local middle- and upper-class families.
Similar to school districts in China, the houses surrounding this high school are very expensive, and the families that send their children there are typically well-off. The school also has a high percentage of Asian students, accounting for 25% of the student body. However, after half a semester at this public high school, we helped our son transfer to a private school in the Midwest.
The reason for the transfer was simple: even the best public high schools in Los Angeles cannot compare with the quality of education offered by the better private high schools in the Midwest.
First of all, there is the teacher-student ratio. The average ratio in private high schools in the United States is about 1:6, whereas in our public high school, about twenty students are assigned to each teacher. The school’s academic advisors are responsible for managing two to three hundred students each, which makes it difficult to provide individual attention, especially to international students like us.
Secondly, there are different academic standards between public and private schools. In public schools, as long as a student scores 90, they can receive an A, whereas in private schools, the bar is raised to 93. The school’s rankings are also dynamic. The academic advisor told my son that he must surpass the bottom 25% of the class in order to have a chance at an A by the end of the semester.
Because the calculation of GPA in the US is complicated, my son has to put in maximum effort for every homework assignment and classroom quiz at the private school. Usually, we call him before 10:30 pm, but he is often too busy to chat because he hasn’t finished his homework.
Moreover, the biggest challenge for international students is reading in English. Not only is the volume of reading material large, but it is also very in-depth. My son’s academic advisor has devised a study plan for him, requiring him to catch up to his American peers in reading comprehension by the end of the semester. To achieve this, he has also arranged additional English tutoring.
In an environment with many Chinese students at the public high school, my son did not make rapid progress in his English studies. However, when he attended the private high school with predominantly white classmates, his English skills improved dramatically. We saw this as a positive outcome. This kind of school, which applies moderate pressure, is particularly suitable for Pua, as it can help him advance with his peers.Public vs. Private High Schools: Choosing Between Them
We specifically chose one of the top five public schools in Los Angeles, both for its academic reputation and to give our child the opportunity to socialize with children from local middle- and upper-class families.
Similar to school districts in China, the houses surrounding this high school are very expensive, and the families that send their children there are typically well-off. The school also has a high percentage of Asian students, accounting for 25% of the student body. However, after half a semester at this public high school, we helped our son transfer to a private school in the Midwest.
The reason for the transfer was simple: even the best public high schools in Los Angeles cannot compare with the quality of education offered by the better private high schools in the Midwest.
First of all, there is the teacher-student ratio. The average ratio in private high schools in the United States is about 1:6, whereas in our public high school, about twenty students are assigned to each teacher. The school’s academic advisors are responsible for managing two to three hundred students each, which makes it difficult to provide individual attention, especially to international students like us.
Secondly, there are different academic standards between public and private schools. In public schools, as long as a student scores 90, they can receive an A, whereas in private schools, the bar is raised to 93. The school’s rankings are also dynamic. The academic advisor told my son that he must surpass the bottom 25% of the class in order to have a chance at an A by the end of the semester.
Because the calculation of GPA in the US is complicated, my son has to put in maximum effort for every homework assignment and classroom quiz at the private school. Usually, we call him before 10:30 pm, but he is often too busy to chat because he hasn’t finished his homework.
Moreover, the biggest challenge for international students is reading in English. Not only is the volume of reading material large, but it is also very in-depth. My son’s academic advisor has devised a study plan for him, requiring him to catch up to his American peers in reading comprehension by the end of the semester. To achieve this, he has also arranged additional English tutoring.
In an environment with many Chinese students at the public high school, my son did not make rapid progress in his English studies. However, when he attended the private high school with predominantly white classmates, his English skills improved dramatically. We saw this as a positive outcome. This kind of school, which applies moderate pressure, is particularly suitable for Pua, as it can help him advance with his peers.
“Chinese-style” Preaching at American Private High Schools
At this private high school, our son’s academic advisor really pays attention to every detail. Especially as international students like us, not only do they monitor our child’s academic progress, but also his living situation in the boarding family. Every move and action of our child is almost reported to us.
I haven’t compared it with other private American high schools, but I’ve heard that some teachers emphasize that children are their own first responsibility, so they are resistant to parents’ inquiries or interventions in their children’s school situations. However, our academic advisor is still willing to communicate with us, and is very rigorous, meticulous, and responsible.
There is a saying in their school, “America is a free country, but there is no freedom in this school.” You can imagine their high expectations for the children.
For example, in terms of dressing, on Mondays, children must wear khaki pants, ties, and suits. To create a language environment, all Chinese language apps are uninstalled. Even during casual conversations, if our child mispronounces a word, we must correct them promptly.
In terms of college admissions guidance, the academic advisor also gave many professional opinions. Considering that our son is more interested in macroeconomics, the academic advisor suggested that he take many college preparatory courses in high school, such as microeconomics, calculus, linear algebra, art, and Latin, to prepare for future college applications.
At this private school, my son’s academic advisor is meticulous in every aspect. Especially for international students like us, not only does he monitor my son’s academic progress, but he also keeps tabs on his living situation in the boarding family. Almost every move my child makes is reported back to us.
I have not compared this private American high school with others, but I heard that some teachers emphasize that the child is responsible for himself or herself, so they are opposed to parents inquiring about or intervening in their child’s situation at school. However, our academic advisor is willing to communicate with us, and is very meticulous and responsible.
The school also has a saying, “America is a free country, but there is no freedom in this school.” As you can imagine, their expectations for the students are very high.
For example, on Mondays, students must wear khaki pants, a tie, and a suit. To create a language environment, all Chinese language apps are uninstalled, and even during casual conversations, if a child’s pronunciation is not accurate, it must be corrected immediately.
In terms of college counseling, the academic advisor has also given many professional opinions. Considering that my older brother is more interested in macroeconomics, the academic advisor suggested that he take many college preparatory courses in high school, such as microeconomics, calculus, linear algebra, art, and Latin, to prepare for future college applications.
On a side note, private schools have more resources than public high schools in terms of curriculum offerings. For example, if you want to take more than 10 AP courses, many public high schools may only offer a dozen or twenty courses, which cannot meet your course selection needs. This puts children at a disadvantage during college admissions evaluations.
At first, many people may have the misconception that American education is relatively simple. However, I think this view is somewhat biased.
When our younger brother was in sixth grade, he studied in the United States for a semester, and he said that the most difficult courses were science classes.
I was really surprised. Can you imagine that our younger brother won second prize in the provincial robotics and programming competition in China and was quite capable in the field of computer science?
But he was used to rote learning, and when he entered the exploratory, open, and interactive learning environment of American classrooms, he became very uncomfortable.
After our younger brother returned to China, I found that his hands-on skills had significantly improved, and he was particularly proficient in making PowerPoint presentations and using Excel. He told us that in American middle schools, using these software tools was a necessary skill for daily assignments. Almost all courses had to be completed through their own exploration and summarization.
Therefore, I believe that the average comprehensive ability of American children is not inferior to that of Chinese children. Achieving outstanding academic achievements is not easy for either group.
Unstoppable Cultural Shock
However, even in this private American high school, which is well-attended by educational consultants, my older brother encountered difficulties not long after he arrived, and was even almost expelled.
The reason was a joke and banter with his Chinese classmates about a Black sports teacher in private. But with unintended consequences, it escalated to “having racial discriminatory tendencies”, causing a big controversy.
Similar to the pitfalls of racial discrimination, our brother, unfortunately, stepped on quite a few of them. In the United States, he changed two homestays within half a year, including one with a Black single mother teacher and her five-year-old child. It was also due to misunderstandings and unadaptability that he was often complained about.
Although the child may not have realized it, in the United States, it is a matter of light or heavy importance. In his eyes, it was just some trivial matter, but it brought tremendous physical and mental pressure.
We have considered sending him to a boarding high school, but this school happened to have no boarding facilities. Despite being mentally prepared, the “petty problems” in real life far exceeded our expectations.
In the eyes of Americans, as long as this child lives in my house, I should assume the role of a “guardian”. But the child doesn’t understand, and he will be very upset. He always feels, “You’re not my parents, and I’ve spent so much money, why do you always control me?”
Moreover, living habits in China and the United States are different, and host families often do not prepare breakfast specifically. Cold cereal and milk are considered breakfast, and if the child misses breakfast by waking up late, he has to figure out a solution on his own, which also makes him feel very wronged.
In fact, the parents of homestays and their values and style in the area will affect the child’s way of understanding the world to some extent. Nowadays, most children are self-centered. In the past, there were still parents to back them up, but when they really live in an American family, they must become part of the family and take on certain family responsibilities.
Seeing that the child really couldn’t get along with this homestay, after more than two months, with the coordination and arrangement of the school, my brother was moved to a White family. The couple are both lawyers, and their two children also graduated from prestigious schools. My brother has also matured.
Sometimes on weekends, he is dragged by the host dad early in the morning to wash the yacht or go fishing. Even if he is not happy about it, he has to obediently help out.
The process of integration is indeed very painful. When we are not around, he feels helpless, which requires him to jump out of his own mindset and think about these interpersonal relationships.
My brother sometimes complains to us that he is not yet of legal age, but has to “depend on the mercy of others” and watch his words and actions every day. I comfort him, saying that you are experiencing society in advance. He quickly asked me, “Am I not social enough?”
This is a process of cognitive reshaping. Although it is very difficult, I think the child has been trained, which may also be a gain from studying abroad at an American high school.
Self-Reliance Leads to Self-Empowerment
As parents, we understand that the decision to send our children abroad means it is not realistic to expect them to come back and excel in the national college entrance examination (“gaokao”).
However, we do not put this kind of “all-or-nothing” pressure on our children. Instead, we create a safe psychological environment for them.
When my older brother first arrived in the United States, he often called us to complain. This was because the American education system places great emphasis on physical activity. When my younger brother was in middle school, he had to run 5 kilometers once a week, and the A+ standard was to complete the run in 25 minutes.
My older brother, who is 1.81 meters tall, was immediately recruited as a substitute for the American football team when he first arrived at the public high school. Every day after school, rain or shine, he had to go to practice, and he had to participate in tournaments even on weekends.
The amount of physical activity required in American football was too much for my brother, but he could not refuse it completely because of the prevalence of sports culture in the United States. At this point, we made it clear to him that if he did not adapt in a short period of time, he could return to China to take the college entrance exam. We also discussed and decided to switch to fencing instead of American football, and that’s how the sports route was persisted.
Sometimes, when the pressure on my brother becomes too great, we arrange for him to stay with relatives or friends in the United States to help him relieve his psychological stress as much as possible.
Although it is heartbreaking to see our child under stress, we still encourage him to experience some setbacks to help him succeed in life in the future.
We never believe that studying is an easy task, and we always emphasize to him that everyone’s intelligence is similar, and that to do well, he must give his all. Each member of our family believes that everyone has their own responsibilities and must take responsibility for their actions.
Our children’s task is to study well, and our responsibility is to take care of the previous generation and provide our children with the best educational resources as much as we can.
