Do you ever have that moment as a parent when you wish you were a dedicated teacher? Being able to spend ample time with your children during school breaks, synchronize your schedules, use your knowledge to answer their questions, and provide them with a wider educational network…
But on the flip side, do children really desire that? What is it like to have parents who are teachers?
Honey to you, arsenic to others. In recent days, a PowerPoint presentation (PPT) has been circulating online, claiming to contain the findings of a narrow survey conducted by Professor Xu Kaiwen from Peking University regarding the crisis of suicide among university students:
Among college students with suicide crisis, those whose parents are teachers come first, followed by those who require higher knowledge, such as doctors and civil servants.
In 2017, Professor Qikai conducted a research study titled “A Study on the Relationship between Suicidal Behaviors and Different Family Factors among University Students.” The study was a key project of the Humanities and Social Sciences Research Base of the Education Department of Anhui Province. Using a stratified cluster sampling method, a total of 4,585 college students from eight universities in Wuhu, Anhui Province, were selected for sample analysis. The results are depicted in the figure below:
Four out of 322 students whose fathers were teachers, health care provider and civil servants committed suicide, and about one out of every 80 students committed suicide.
Among 1,150 college students whose fathers were workers, four committed suicide, or about one in 287.
The former is three times more common than the latter.
A total of 255 mothers were teachers, health care providers and civil servants, and 5 of them committed suicide. About one in every 51 mothers committed suicide.
Of the 644 college students whose mothers were workers, only one committed suicide, or about one in every 600.
The former is twelve times more common than the latter.
People teachers everywhere, why their children frequently trigger psychological problems? What happened to these children?
Is There a Correlation Between Parents' Knowledge and Increased Risk of Suicide Among Children?
Professor Qi Kai, the author of the paper, believes that the suicidal behavior of college students is positively related to the knowledge and control of the family, and the family education methods of college students who have suicidal behavior are mostly autocratic, and most of their parents are at the higher level of undergraduate and above.
Among them, the control is relatively explicit, which is easier for us to understand, such as the “not allowed to interrupt,” “fart big little things are in charge” described by Zhihu netizens, etc., are all manifestations of the nurturer’s strong desire for control.
Because of the particularity of their profession, teachers and other groups have been accustomed to the role of authority for a long time, and think that they have the right to explain and teach book knowledge and even other life knowledge. It is not surprising that children are among the top three suicides because they tend to bring their work routine home and are more authoritarian in their parenting style.
Controlling deprives children of the sense of life value, neglects the significance of its existence as an independent individual, and seriously endangers children’s mental health.Because its logic is simple and clear, and has been deeply analyzed by the media in many typical cases, it has been repeatedly presented in a number of film and television works, so it has been gradually taken as a warning by parents.
But the other positive correlation factor ––knowledge, because of its own aura, and intricately entangled with other factors, but not easily perceived.
Super teacher Huang Kan’s daughter is far away, excellent learning, interest in a wide range of self-care ability is also strong, from childhood to most did not let her worry too much.
Huang Kan once proud: “You don’t know how capable my daughter is, high EQ, many friends, cheerful personality, calm things to deal with.”
“She also decided to study abroad by herself. She found a school by herself, applied for scholarships, applied for visas and bought air tickets by herself.”
“Her personal blog is full of things like living well and getting along well with her friends.”
However, it is such a mother who knows how to let go, one day, suddenly received a phone call, telling her that she was independent and confident far away. Even before seeing his daughter’s suicide note, Huang Kan did not expect that his daughter, who is lively and cheerful in appearance, has been suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder for 8 years:
“I’m really tired, and when it collapses again and again for eight years, there’s nothing I can do. I can only bite my teeth and look for opportunities for adjustment, and the real affairs are delayed, the beauty of reality is destroyed, and I’m really tired of it.…..“
If Mr. Huang Kan is the kind of teacher in our stereotype, then we can clearly know that his daughter’s obsessive compulsive disorder comes from his own special occupation.
Unfortunately, often in such cases, their parents are mostly engaged in high knowledge density work, education methods than most families pay more attention to democracy, tolerance, children do not need parents how to urge, only a strong academic atmosphere can drive bursting.
But after years of quiet, the child has been struggling with mental illness for years, and even making a final decision is the result of careful consideration.The reason behind this is precisely the knowledge that accompanies these children from childhood to adulthood, impenetrable and unavoidable.
Excessive Emphasis on Knowledge-Based Tangible Standards Hinders Child-Parent Connection
It is widely recognized that professions within the system, such as teachers, healthcare workers, and civil servants, require examinations for promotion, with educational qualifications serving as the key to entering these fields.
Once they secure a position, the game rules change. Unlike in the private sector where earning potential is paramount, these positions prioritize continuous academic advancement, prolific research publication, and swift attainment of professional titles.
Consequently, individuals within these systems strongly associate knowledge with future prospects. On platforms like Zhihu, netizens often describe their parents’ achievements in terms of academic institutions and official positions, highlighting the deep-rooted intellectual perspective through which they perceive the world.
These children are immersed in this environment for decades without interruption, and as far as the eye can see, they are all cases of successful life by reaching some inherent standard (education, certificate, etc.) of the outside world.
These tangible standards are perceived earlier than children in other environments, and they are actively learning earlier, which is why these children are particularly worry-free at the human infant stage, and are typical of what people call “other people’s children.”
But when the time comes to adolescence, the child’s self-awareness began to awaken, and suddenly one day, they found that all things are made by the outside world, and none of them are out of their own will. Although they have enjoyed many benefits throughout the process, from now on they want to be themselves.
On the one hand, the inertia drive of “other people’s children,” and on the other hand, the passionate call of the true self in the depths of the soul. The two “I” cannot communicate smoothly, and the child begins to fall into a painful self-struggle.
With the rising of the learning stage, the evaluation criteria of the outside world gradually become more and more diverse. It is very difficult for a child to know himself or herself and experience that he or she is good enough in a society with a constantly changing system of evaluation.
Coupled with the fact that the high-tech family itself has more sources of information and greater choice, such as studying abroad in the or stay system? Walk the competition or to take part in the ordinary college entrance examination? Stay in England, or, stay in the United States? Pile parts, the requirements of self-evaluation for children, are far higher and more complex than other families, and the self-struggle of the corresponding dimensions is also more intense.
The result of the struggle, if I win, the child’s mind has grown up to have enough strength to master a knowledge, the outcome is naturally good; And once the true self falls, the standards imposed on the individual by the outside world prevail, and a sense of powerlessness and even meaninglessness will follow.
Misuse of Parental Knowledge Hinders the Parent-Child Connection
In recent years, there is a popular saying on the Internet: I have heard a lot of truth, but still have a bad life.
When it comes to parenting:”I’ve learned a lot about parenting, but I still can’t educate a child. ” I’m sure it’s confusing for many parents.
How about positive discipline? How about nonviolent communication? How to defuse the child’s opposition? We learned a lot of similar parenting knowledge and really trained ourselves to be reasonable, but then what?
Your unabashed anger may be countered by your insinuating introspection and ignored by others, not connecting with you.In the face of affection, knowledge sometimes becomes a barrier to communication; Skills, sometimes it cuts down on each other’s honesty.
My uncle, a teacher of the people for decades, has countless peaches and plums in his life. He has taught her cousin to exercise great tenderness and restraint. For a long time, her cousin is also an excellent existence in the family.
But in the later marriage, she did not hesitate to force her life, must marry a disabled, eccentric, premarital to her all kinds of PUA man, on the eve of running away from home, she said to uncle aunt:
“Instead of staying with you and enduring your deliberate love, it is better to enjoy real hate with him.”
It is true that the cousin’s marriage was unhappy later, but it is also true that after getting out of the mud with the help of her uncle and aunt, she became more vibrant than ever before.
The change of my cousin before and after, let me understand a reason:
The problem between parents and children in many Kochi families is that parents obviously expect their children to be, but also pretend to be open-minded and let him “be himself.” Obviously there is anger and grievance in the heart, but also have to force a smile and play a seemingly reasonable “good parent.”
“I’m so cultured, I could be a good parent.”The obsession, let many parents live in the performance, not in the real relationship, and in this relationship in the weak position of the child, most of the time can only cooperate with the parents of the performance, try to be a “perfect child.”
The biggest harm to children is that they can not have a real connection with their parents, nor can they fight and collide with their parents generously and generously with their parents, and of course they will not have a chance to reconcile and sublimate.
Once these children do not good enough, can only cut inward, forced to find reasons from their own body, forced into endless internal friction.
Her cousin was brave, and she was reborn with her uncle and aunt through the violent revolution. Wen run, like perfect high achiever Zhang Yide, once wrote to hope that his father would not follow him all things, but that he could “say no” him, and then try to learn philosophy to look at life from a higher dimension. However, all the gentle improvements eventually became futile, and he finally failed to escape the fate of self-destruction.
Encouraging Children to Engage Fully with the Vibrant Real World
At this point, some readers may think of Descartes’ classic thesis in Ecclesiastes: the more knowledge, the more sorrow, great wisdom hidden in great pain.
Yes, this kind of secular sense that which is good perfect learning tyrants, their own knowledge reserves are rich, they are destined to put a lot of surplus effort into the meaning of life thinking, and when a person is thinking about meaning every day, it is easy to fall into nihilism, psychological crisis.
If children are born in the ordinary working class, then they have real pressure such as food, clothing, housing, transportation and so on; if further, children are born in the rich who have assets to inherit, then the most urgent issue in front of them is how to judge and make choices to maintain and increase the value of family assets.
Unfortunately, the children of kochi families do not have to worry about food, clothing, shelter and transportation, nor property to inherit, they seem to lack anything, but actually have nothing, this thin state, it is difficult to give children who have produced psychological crisis with effective relief, to help them through the storm.
In summary, the psychological problems of children in Kochi families, of course, have their parents’ improper use of knowledge, but more or children and parents in that environment, carrying too much involuntarily.
We explore the correlation between the concentration of parenting environment knowledge and children’s psychological problems, neither to satirize poor parents in extreme cases; It is not intended to belittle the knowledge itself, but to call everyone to live in the false happiness of “the ignorant fearless.” But based on the current situation that too many middle-class families are too obsessed with education and resources are too allin on their children, so that their nurturing environment is increasingly converging with kochi families, issuing a warning:
The essence of education is always the connection between children and themselves, with their families, with their peers, and with the lively real world. No matter how important knowledge is, it can only be used as a tool to promote these connections. at no time can we put the cart before the horse and let knowledge dominate everything, but children become tools of knowledge.