Have you heard the story of “The Jade Bird Changing Its Nest”?
The jade bird initially liked to build its nest high up to avoid disaster.
After hatching the baby birds, the jade bird felt that the nest was too high, fearing that the baby birds might accidentally fall, so it moved the nest down a bit.
When the baby birds grew feathers, the jade bird found them even more beautiful but became increasingly worried about their safety. So it continued to move the nest further down.
After several attempts, passersby noticed the beautiful birds in the nest and easily captured them.
After having children, we unconsciously become “jade bird mothers,” always carrying a heart that cannot let go of our children.
When they were young, we were afraid they would go hungry or get cold, so we couldn’t help but do everything for them.
As they grew a little older, we started to worry about their studies, friendships, and habits… so we always wanted to give them more reminders and instructions.
An ancient saying goes, “Excessive love and excessive worry, although it is called love, it actually harms; although it is called worry, it actually becomes hostility.”
When love exceeds its boundaries, it only leads to harm.
01Excessive Worry: A Curse in Disguise
Psychologist Chen Mo once talked about his own experience in a speech.
She met a sophomore child who did not eat school food and brought cookies and snacks to school every day, so the mother came to her for help.
After some exchanges, it was found that from the first day of school, the mother began to ask the child:
Even tomato scrambled eggs, but also to ask the child “whether there are more tomatoes or eggs.”
It is precisely because the mother is too heavy on the child’s eating problems, always worried that the child does not eat at school and eats well, so the child slowly really does not eat anything.
There was also a girl in the first grade who was behaving rather strangely.
Whenever a boy came near her, she would start crying. Boys talk to her, she put her head to one side, and resolutely do not sit with boys.
The teacher thought the girl was very strange and suggested that the girl’s mother go to see a psychologist.
Chen Mo teacher and the girl’s mother after chatting found that the problem is also in the mother’s own body.
Out of concern for her daughter, the mother has been whispering in her daughter’s ear since childhood:
Over time, the girl became more and more fearful, and then there were problems.
Teacher Chen Mo said:
Murphy’s Law also tells us that the more you worry about something, the more likely it is to happen.
Because every time you worry, you are sending anxiety to your child.
Your constant worry and charge are implying to your child that you are picky eaters, you need protection, and you can’t do anything without me…
Children will continue to strengthen these negative hints in the heart, become more nervous, cowardly, unwilling to believe in themselves, so as to do anything without self-confidence, naturally do not succeed.
As a result, the more you try to avoid things, the easier it is to realize in children.
As the psychologist Zeng Qifeng said:
Mother’s excessive worry and fear, the original strength of a life weakened, let the child trouble, gradually become fragile and incompetent.
Just like the kingfisher mother, because of the fear of the child, but finally pushed the child to a greater tragedy.
02Excessive Worry: Suffocating Children
A netizen told me about his experience.
From a young age, the most she has ever heard is “no, no, not safe.”
At the age of 18, she wanted to climb a mountain with her friends, but her mother said, “Do you know how many people die every year on a certain mountain?”
In college, she had to report to her mother every time she went out, and had to call or send a location report every 1-2 hours, otherwise she would receive serial shelling.
In the WeChat group at home, my mother always sends some articles about “jumping off a building, committing suicide, female college students being cheated and being made rich.”
As she grew older, she grew more disgusted and disgusted with this concern.
Every day in this atmosphere, she even felt that the world was gray, and the whole person began to become nervous, suspicious, and finally began to suffer from insomnia.
In many cases, the point of departure for parents is love, but in the case of children, this kind of love has evolved into dominance.
What the child feels is not warmth and happiness, but great pain and struggle.
Dr. Wang Zheng, a psychologist, once saw a boy in college.
When the boy arrived at school, he would feel dizzy, uncomfortable, and strangely irritable.
I’ve been to many doctors and taken many medications, but nothing has helped.
After a period of contact, Wang Zheng found that the boy’s symptoms were actually related to his mother’s excessive concern and excessive interference.
His mother would ask him every day “How are you today? Are you happy today?”
Even if you go to college, you still have to ask “Did you eat well at school? What to wear everyday?”
All in all, it is all around the son, a little space and freedom are not given to him.
Therefore, the boy always sighs and sighs, and feels as if there is no meaning in living.
When a mother’s worry loses its boundaries, it will only cause psychological burden and stress to the child.
It is an instinct for mothers to worry about their children, but excessive worry is accompanied by overreaching and excessive control.
In the book Parents and Teenagers, this kind of parents is called “helicopter parents.”
Small to the trifles of life, eating and drinking Lazar, to work arrangements, marry and have children, hovering over the top of the child all the time, keeping a close attention to the child, constantly confirming the situation of the child, ready to intervene.
In this parenting style, the child has no self, and will only feel suffocated and hopeless.
They cannot make decisions for themselves, nor can they face the difficulties and failures of life alone, and they will always be a “child” psychologically.
Just like a bird that has not practiced its wings, it will never have the power to fight the sky.
03Trust and Letting Go:The Most Precious Gift for Children
Liu Na, a self-media person, once said that always worrying about children is the suppression of children’s self-confidence and the strangulation of children’s abilities.
Because the essence of excessive worry is mistrust of children.
Because we don’t believe that children can do well, we need to do everything in place of children.
But in fact, when you give your children enough love, trust and expectations, the children will give us a different surprise.
The writer Luo Yijun told the story of his daughter in the book.
When she was a child, she worried about her daughter watching too much TV and eating too many snacks：
Later, her daughter and she set up a “consent day,” this day no matter what her daughter asked, she must unconditionally agree.
She thought her daughter would take this opportunity to binge watch TV and eat sweets, but the result was unexpected.
My daughter was very disciplined that day and told her:
Adults often underestimate the potential of children, and then over-protection and restrictions, and finally let the confident children doubt themselves, gradually become incompetent.
As Dr. Gilboa once reminded parents:
When the mother steps back, the child has room to grow.
A principal who has been engaged in education for many years is at a loss for his daughter’s learning and growth.
She was strong and planned the future for her daughter early. In order to find a better school for her daughter, she worked hard to let her daughter transfer.
But her enthusiasm for learning is not as good as a day, and her grades have plummeted.
Her daughter’s transformation is after she learned the hard way to return autonomy to her children.
My daughter independently completed the declaration of overseas schools, chose her favorite fashion design major, and successfully passed the exam, and got the admission notice from several schools.
After graduation, her daughter soon began to start her own clothing brand.
When her daughter jumped out of her schedule, everything was going in a better direction.
At this time, she completely understood that her worry about her daughter was completely superfluous, and even hindered her daughter’s growth.
She thinks she has the ability to choose the path of life for her children, but she forgets that trust and letting go are the most important attitudes parents should have.
Lu Qin said in “Good parents, good children”:
Trust can make people have a strong sense of responsibility, fully tap the potential, release energy.
A fully trusted child will have a strong belief in “I am good, I can do it, I can do it,” so often the heart is strong and fearless.
Psychologist Chris Maynor has said that children can’t learn to solve problems when they don’t have enough space to face them alone.
You chase the child to feed, the child will not learn to eat independently;
You are afraid that your child will fall and get hurt. If you don’t let you do it, you won’t have the ability to take care of yourself.
You are eager to help children solve the conflict, the child will be used to rely on his mother;
You worry that if your child takes a detour and plans everything for him, he will never be responsible for himself.
In October pregnant hard to give birth to a child, we can not help but worry about him.
But in fact, the problems we worry about are the gifts that children grow up with.
Children need to constantly try, explore, make mistakes, error correction process, accumulate experience, learn to choose, and then become a truly independent person.
We have to love Him, trust Him, guide Him, and trust Him.
Steady yourself like a fixed sea needle, is the mother’s greatest support for children.